Yes, another blog about how I am feeling. Aren't you excited?

Well anyways, this one is about a certain male. Go figure. I just don't quite know how to explain it. He gives me such mixed signals. I just want to beat my head into the computer at times. Like, ugh, for awhile he is all like "Oh you should learn Slovak, that way we can talk easier. Oh, I'll teach you!" Then he is all like, "I'm just very secretive. There is probably only one person who knows me well." and I'm like, give me a damn CHANCE! SERIOUSLY! Well, not really. I just asked him who and he said it was his best friend in Slovakia. A girl best friend... I think he may be in love with her... :/

I have MANY reasons why I believe this. I'm not going to share them. Okay maybe one. Right before he started talking about his best friend, he said how much he missed Slovakia. and I can really understand that. But right now I am just feeling so insecure. This girl... She's just.. Wow, she is so pretty. I'm just feeling like how in the world can I compare to her? His best friend, his beautiful best friend, a Slovak speaking best friend, his SLOVAK best friend! DAMN IT! How the fuck can I compare to her? Seriously, she is everything he is looking for. And he... Ugh.. I just feel like crying right now. I'm not going to, but damn it, I'm feeling emotional and like.. Like a little school girl! I hate feeling emotionally weak. I just feel pathetic! I'm almost an adult! I need to suck it up.

I'm sitting here wallowing in my self pity. It's not healthy to do that. :'( I wish I were old enough to go out tonight.I have twelve more days before I can go out clubbing with Heather and Dustin. I think I just need a new environment. I hope it would help with this whole stupid self esteem issue.

I've been flipping my fucking life upside down for him! I braved humility and everything! What do I get in return? N.O.T.H.I.N.G.!. It's just not fair! I have been doing everything I can to be attentive to him without being overbearing. I have been trying to become the kind of woman he is physically attracted to! I'm just getting tired of not getting anything in return. It's just wearing me out... It's almost too much. It's not just the whole Miron thing. There are so many issues going on lately... It's just a huge mess!

I mean seriously, what do I have to be? A fucking model? A saint? Maybe not even real? I'm not either of those! I probably never will be! I'm just human. Just a plain girl who loves a boy. When I'm with him, it's like... Time almost stops. Even in silence we can just sit there and be happy. What the Hell am I to do? Why doesn't he realize that we should try this? I swear to God, I think I feel a breakdown coming...

I'm not giving up. I have NEVER felt so strongly for anyone! EVER! How can I quit something that never even got a chance to start?! Why did God curse me to fall for the mysterious one? The unattainable one? GOD!

Is there anything wrong with me for dreaming and wishing for an alternative or a miracle to happen? I think there is. Reality should be left to be real... No... I don't know! I love the land of make believe! I just wish some of it would become reality. It's selfish I know. But It's who I am, it's what I am. I want him so bad it hurts. I think about him all day, I dream about him at night. He is my first thought of the day. My happy place. My haven. I feel as if the only times I can breathe is when he is around. When he texts me or IM's me, It's like I can take a breath, a shaky small breath. But when I'm in his arms.. it's like... Don't take me away. Leave me there. Let me die in them, seriously. Because then I would die in bliss. And sometimes when I dream those beautiful tortures, I pray that I don't wake up. And when I do, sometimes it's like "Why? Why God, why not leave me in heaven?" This is all so emotional and gushy... Gosh, I should be wearing black and a ton of eyeliner and cutting myself. ...Lol...

Maybe I should just pray to God that I move on. But, I don't want to. Even if we are just friends... I don't care... As long as he is happy, that's enough for me. I want nothing else in this world then to see him smile as much as possible. I just wish I could be the reason he is smiling... I wish that I could be that special gleam in his eye... I wish I could be the person he runs to, or the person he thinks about when he is alone and needs someone... I just don't want him to be the one who got away. I don't ever want to miss him, or miss out on him. I'm so happy he has friends. And I really do want him to have friends! I don't want to hog him, I just want to know that I'm his girl. I just wish he needed me. Maybe needed me as much as I need him.

Everything reminds me of him.

I wish he is with me every time I do something fun,new or exciting.

He is like oxygen to me.

People may think I am silly or overreacting to my emotions.

They may say I'm too young.

But they just don't know how I feel.

They just don't know me.

They don't know him.

They don't know 'us' or see what we can be.

-Cena Grace-